I haven't had this kind of remarkable feeling of inspiration in... months? even years, maybe? Quite frankly I've been very depressed about myself as a DJ even with all the exciting things going on in the technology world for the future of music (Gerd, I'm sending more your way ^^). I would write tracks only to hate them the next day. I'd make remixes only to shake in utter disgust at the garbage being produced.

At first, I didn't know why exactly I had gotten into this state of mind, but now I'm thinking that it may had something to do with me trying so hard to deny what I used to love, all in the name of trying something new. Perhaps it was a desire to reinvent myself because I thought I had gotten bored of my previous self. But, then I came across this couple months back. It's a blog entry about a highschool afterschool teacher named Brian who put on a live performance of selected DJ Shadow tracks with his students playing real instruments! You can watch the video here.

Now, what does that video have to do with me? Well, first of all, I have to tell you that I almost came to tears watching this video. Not just because they were great performers putting on a great performance, but it reminded me of myself when I aspired to become a music performer. It not only brought me back full circle to my high school days when my life basically revolved around my guitar and our band, but the days when I used to wholeheartedly enjoy spinning out at venues.

In college I would spend weeks coming up with sets and putting in various touches to really put on a great soundscape for people to enjoy. I was somehow able to completely ignore the fact that the core of the audience I was spinning for were drunken college kids who could care less if I were being anal about the harmonic progression of my mix, whether I had a theme, a story, or even whether the song was really being blended or just played one after another. I was completely immersed in the various macro sound design activities I was engaged in. It was simply mesmerizing! The weeks spent on preparing these sets went by like seconds, and, as a DJ, I was swimming in inspiration and excitement during this time period. It didn't matter if the tracks I were playing were mainstream, underground, old skool, new school, etc... They're just sounds and I don't discriminate sound sources if that's what I think belong in the final product.

Then I don't know exactly what happened, but, all of a sudden, the fact that my core audience was a bunch of drunken college kids started to bother me. I was probably going through an elitist phase where I wished to be recognized by people who actually knew what I was doing. What I should have done at that point was to find new venues to perform at, but instead I just got depressed about the performance aspect as a whole. I just said "screw it, I'm going to become a producer who does studio work".

Now, this is not to say that all of a sudden I'm giving up on my production aspirations. I'm still very much committed to completing my curriculum at Berklee, as well. As a matter of fact, What I'm saying is quite the opposite. What the video made me realize was that I've been struck by a dry spell because I've become a producer. Huh? Talk about immediate contradiction, eh? Well, when have I made sense? ^^; But, hear me out for a lil, though.

For some reason, I thought being a producer meant throwing away my performer roots. You see, the way I produced mix sets way back when was by standing in front of my set up and just jamming away. Samplers, drum machines, cd players, turntables, effectors, synths, etc... Just jamming. I was putting on performances for myself in my bedroom for me to hear and see. Then I would bottle that up and show it to others. However, what I've been doing in production so far is not that at all. I would sit down on my production set up which revolves around my PC and doing things in somewhat of a less organic way. Now I'm sitting here thinking, where did I get the idea that sitting in front of a computer tweaking every bits and pieces as I go along was how production must be done? Maybe I should stop reading magazines whose sole purpose is to get me to buy more music software... I now realize that I'm a performer first, and a producer second. That's what I've learned the hard way.

At any rate... this has been an inspirational period. At least in terms of being able to wake myself up to smell the coffee. I have gotten a direction in my music now, and it feels fucking great. I know what I want, and I have corrected course. It's going to take some time to get back into the groove, but pointing is half the game. =) At least I'd like to tell myself that. ;) I'm ready for this journey, and at the end of the journey, I hope to see you all there! Boo yah! =)